mini van damme and the quest for happiness...

so, 3 people i know (the horns of happiness) just went on a month long tour. their vehicle of choice for the voyage was the nissan quest minivan. 

when introduced to the nissan quest, i recalled that there is a film starring jean claude van damme called the quest. 

the quest (film):

 nissan quest "mini"-van:

 jean claude van {damme}:

...from this, i quickly derived a name for the vehicle...

"mini"-van {damme}

or translated: mini-van damn

i'm not sure that it stuck. i'll have to ask (the horns of happiness):

career optionz.

 Strong Publicist Needed for PR Firm:

To Whom It May Concern:

 I am writing in response to the ad calling for a strong publicist for this Santa Monica based PR firm. I am very interested in the position, and in learning more about the company.

 This is such an exciting opportunity, and one that I feel is a perfect match for my skill set. I am an experienced and talented publicist, who can easily bench press 250 pounds and can dead lift almost 600 pounds of weight.

 Recently, I underwent surgery on my rotator cuff, a problem which has terribly effected these stats. This has allowed me to focus more attention on my leg lifts in the meantime. As indicated by both my physician and trainer, I should be in shape for more advanced strength training within the month.

 I have included my personal resume for your review. Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sincerely,

Jeremy Kennedy

“FAST PACED INTERIOR DESIGN FIRM SEEKS RUNNER”

To Whom It May Concern:

I would like to submit my professional resume for the posted job opening: “FAST PACED INTERIOR DESIGN FIRM SEEKS RUNNER” in West Hollywood. Running is s great passion of mine, and I feel that I would be the perfect candidate for this position.

I have years of experience in running, starting as a child, soon after I learned how to walk. One look at my resume will show my tireless dedication to running, as well as my overall versatility. I run best on grass or any make of artificial turf, but can also handle other surfaces such as asphalt, gravel, sand, etc.

I would very much enjoy the opportunity to speak with you further about the position and in concerns to my resume, starting with my placing in the 2007 Boston marathon.

Thank you for time and consideration.

Best,

Jeremy Kennedy

 

ddooooommm boooooommmmer!! !!! !

i presented this piece at a reading recently. the first time it's seen light in a minute. pvsd did this...still booming.

here's the thing...as it was to be...via textedit...imagine a bunch of onimonapea maniacs over top of it.

the horns of happiness. tape + tour.

These darlings have undergone a few changes in the past ~year or so... 
they've take to the west coast (bay + la), added a second drummer (andrew)... they also made this rad cassette right before taking off on tour:
The Horns of Happiness
Be Where Your Aim is Brave & Sound.

It's a fantastic new Magnetic South release, and a great new flip to the Horns of Happiness leaf. 
With all that's new, they have maintained their purveyance of titling word-smithery (see past titles: What Spills Like Thread, Would I Find Your Psychic Guideline...), organ fuzz, and strands of rhythm that hang out somewhere in the skychange between utopia and utility...x 2.


do it yourself here:
http://thehornsofhappiness.bandcamp.com/album/be-where-your-aim-is-brave-sound


and check them out live (if applicable):

March
17 San Francisco, CA - Hotel Utah
18 Oakland, CA - First Church of the Buzzard
19 Los Angeles, CA - TBA
21 Phoenix, AZ - Trunk Space Gallery
23 Austin, TX - Mohawk
24 New Orleans, LA - AllWays Lounge
25 Athens, GA - Flicker
26 Knoxville, TN - Pilot Light
27 Louisville, KY - TBA
29 Chapel Hill, NC - Nightlight
30 Philadelphia, PA - M Room
31 Boston, MA - TBA
April
01 NYC, NY - Pianos
02 Brooklyn, NY - Bruar Falls
04 Pittsburgh, PA - Garfield Artworks
05 Cincinnati, OH - Mayday Northside
06 Indianapolis, IN - The Melody Inn
07 Bloomington, IN - The Bishop
08 Chicago, IL - The Observatory
09 Lawrence, KS - Replay Lounge
10 Oklahoma City, OK - The Conservatory
11 Denver, CO - The Walnut Room

another thing about cloning pets....

2 taser factory things concerning pet cloning:

The first....

"Seoul-based RNL Bio said it is already working on its first order from an American woman who wants a clone of her dead pit bull. She was especially attached to it because it saved her life when another dog attacked her and bit off her arm."

And secondly...

When attempting to create pet clones, it takes several tries (I heard an unofficial average of around 5) to get it right. So, in the process of making 1 exact copy of the pet, there are typically a handful of fuck ups. 

I've said on many occasions...actually every occasion, that I am NOT interested in owning a pet of any kind. However, this news has bored a small hole in that rule. Where as in the past, the question "would you be interested in a puppy or kitty cat?" would be met with an immediate and omelette "No", I now have to extend it...."No...Unless it's a clone, or a clone fuck up."

toshiro mifune. bad assin'...

Toshiro Mifune-- a true Japanese bad-ass. In light of recent events in Japan, I found myself watching a lot of his work...

His qualities were best exemplified in the films of master director Akira Kurosawa, such as Seven Samurai, Rashomon, High and Low, Yojimbo (which was remade by Sergio Leone as Fistful of Dollars), Sanjuro, and many more (he appeared in over 150 films in his career).

Here's a montage I found of him hurting people and looking like a bad ass...

 Sanjuro is a personal fav. I fall asleep to it many evenings...not that it's boring, it's just that the pace of the foreign language dialogue is extremely relaxing in the film. 

 Bold and expressive with seemingly little effort, not so unlike American bad-asses like Clint Eastwood and Humphrey Bogart (who's biography, Tough without a Gun, by Stefan Kanfer is totally rad from what I've skimmed of it..).

 Maybe Mifune can be called tough without a sword...

be prepared or not live...in the future.

here's the 'fo (short for "info"...which is short for "information") on one the many terrifically taser factory ideas that j.m. and i kick around from our opposite coastal bases...

the title isn't solid yet. the original lean was towards something like "the ultimate control" smart phone. after all, it is a smart phone, with a built-in base at the top for one of two attachments that allow mankind (and girlkind) to further control their environment. 

1. electric shaver foil.

2. taser.

it also includes USB jumper cables. 

and yes, it is dangerous...but so is the world. so be prepared.

decidedly, battery technology will need to catch up with this design.

craiglist rants: part 1

southern cali is a terrific place to be a writer, especially if your interest includes ehow articles, hacked reposts, pot, and/or the adult entertainment industry. but seriously, there are a bunch of hard working copy writers out here. i'm one. 

freelancing can be really annoying, and craigslist.org can easily be consider a battle ground right on the front of the war between copy writers and the ever evolving industry, that seeks to supplant talent with tech and belief that "anyone", not only professionals, can do a "good enough" job for way less money. (kinda similar to the newspaper industry's push back against pro photographers with the advent and ease of digital camera technology that allows non photographers to take decent photos...)

anyway, whilst searchin' craigslist big ol' list for some freelance gigs, i would occasionally take a break for the hunt and read the over-inflated rantings of my fellow craigslisting warriors. 

this stuff is totally taser factory. i'm calling for a day of rage on the cl.org writing gigs page!

re: 3 Scoliosis Articles (The Gulag)

Date: 2010-03-11, 4:18PM PST

Reply to: gigs-w7rnx-1639877664@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

OK Skippy, lemme get your fabulous offer straight...

"3 articles (1,500-2,000 words each)

Scoliosis

Scoliosis Brace Treatments in Adults

Scoliosis Brace Treatments is Kids

$15 for each paper"

I'm no math whiz, but that's a small fraction of the legal minimum wage, and

requires research and expertise as well.

No thanks, we could do better in a slave-labor camp!

What kind of delusional ego-maniac are you to think that someone would take such an abusive

deal, and then look forward to "similar future work"?

Hope you can deal with the deluge of eager hopefuls who will beat a path to your door on this one.

Maybe your next "ghost-writtten assignment" should be something about mental patients on the

loose who want expert but free services for their money-making schemes?

Get your sorry ass off of CL...

Re: Freelance Journalists (anywhere)

Date: 2010-03-07, 9:06AM PST

Reply to: gigs-rxnvp-1632703539@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Oh, yummy!

I get to go to all these events for FREE!

And you get to publish my reviews for FREE!

And I buy the gas for my car to get to these events for FREE - uh -- no.

And I get to ride the Metro for FRE - er, no.

And I get my gas and electric and phone and water and food and medical FREE because they all read my reviews! Oh... No?

With my reviews in all your publications, I get to be the most famous writer in... umm... Skid Row.

No thanks.

With such national circulation, $.25 per word is a minimum.

re: proofread/editor needed to work for dirt wages

Date: 2010-03-07, 8:01AM PST

Reply to: gigs-ytcan-1632613058@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

The Original Poster wrote:

"We are a small publishing company and are looking for proofreaders and copy editors that have book experience. Our company reformats book content for mobile platforms. All of our work is on a project basis and we pay $10 per hour. The ideal candidate will have an extensive knowledge of book production, copyediting, and relentless attention to detail. To be considered for this gig, please send your resume. "

You want to pay $2 more than minimum age for a white collar job?

Ehhhh.... lemme see...

No.

Internships, "writing partners", and other BS (on CL)

Date: 2010-03-05, 7:15PM PST

Reply to: gigs-we3vw-1630786970@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Some motherfucker offered an "internship" of 3 months work with a $100 "stipend". A dollar a day? Abe Lincoln would be proud!

Gigs section is for short-term PAID employment, not a clearinghouse for free-labor scams.

These assholes keep posting about slave-labor interns or deferred-pay or "TBD" or "no pay at first" or "top performers might get more (unpaid) work later" or great exposure or "submissions for literary-journal contest"! FUCK YOU!

And the delusional unemployable hacks who want writing partners to sit at Starbucks with them and dream of hitting the bigtime...

If you're not offering employment then POST SOMEWHERE ELSE! Volunteers are people who read to patients at the convalescent hospital, NOT writers who donate free talent to your for-profit schemes. If you're making money or plan to make money from it, then PAY YOUR HELPERS!

I get so FUCKING tired of this shit sometimes!

Rite 4 pey! But naut MUCH pey! (scamsville)

Date: 2010-03-04, 5:01PM PST

Reply to: gigs-xkbfq-1629003763@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

"Tired of searching for writing jobs on Craigslist? Pay scale for each article is $3.50... word count is 250 - 300... two days to complete each piece... boy can those dollars add up!"

WOW, $3.50 FOR TWO DAYS WORK! THIRD-WORLD PAY RIGHT HERE IN THE USA!

THIS ASSHOLE HAS BEEN TWEAKING THESE SCAM-POSTS, TRYING TO MAKE DEATH-CAMP WAGES SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE.

PLEASE KEEP FLAGGING THESE FUCKING RIPOFFS!

Those seeking free labor should post under "volunteers wanted".

re: Writer's Research Assistant (Santa Monica) (NO Free Work)

Date: 2010-03-04, 1:40PM PST

Reply to: gigs-8qevd-1628697452@craigslist.org [Errors when replying to ads?]

Okay.. been awhile since I ranted...

Erin, bubby, shhhweeetheart, daaaahlink... you want someone to work for you for free?

WTF?

20 years ago when I would hire someone to help me with my writing projects, I used green stuff outta my back pocket to take care of business.

The green stuff still works wonders.

The internship thing is bullshit. Complete bullshit. You are a working pro. PAY YOUR WORKERS.

re: Writer Needed (Los Angeles)

shane edge vs action stars: part tres

the latest installation of this series finds shane edge doing his best imitation of my best depiction of young doug masters (jason gedrick) from the first iron eagle movie (which is actually really good).

view the rest of the series at:

http://www.kneeshy.com/actionshane/

most def. louis gossett jr.'s best role ever.

The Bike Shelf...mount up.

Just when I was getting a little tired, enters the Bike Shelf by Bay Area designer/maker Knife and Saw (one Chris Brigham)! 

...Do I own this?

No. At least not yet. But I love it so much who knows....

Simple is Best.

Get the full pitch here:

http://knifeandsaw.wordpress.com/furniture/bike-shelf/

(i borrowed a few photos...)

"SLO-MO" number three...

"SLO-MO" is a reoccurring collection of photocopied items found (or other acquired/created) by justin clifford rhody...who i write about often. 

i recently received the latest copy "number three. it's absolutely taser factory. maybe even more taser factory than taser factory..?.

while breathing and laughing thru the booklet, it dawned on me that jcr has also been slowly making my desk, office, and other parts of our crib an archive for the original documents contained therein via the mailman.

here's a scan of a favorite from the pages...

available from friends and relatives records...and i've personally encountered it (or other f&r materials) in neat store when least expected.